Eclipse of the Universe
by WishIwasSam
Summary: CHAPTER THREE Now Up....Samka. Based on Season 12 early episode spoilers. Full Circle Follows this. She was determined to leave, hoping that everything would blow over, but her feet wouldn't move from the spot. Why should this time be any different?
1. Eclipse of the Universe

**Eclipse**

**Disclaimer: **I own none of the characters in this Fic, they belong to Michel Crichton, Christopher Chulack, John Wells and all the other Big Cheese's who produce ER. So you can't get me done for stealing any characters. ;)

**Author: **Well that happens to be me. I do however own this story,it was my ER obsessed little mind that thought this up so please don't steal that pleasure from me. This Fic is mainly Samka orientated, with a little Ray/Neela/Susan thrown in for good measure. :D Thanks go to all the reviewers so far, keep 'em coming! And special thanks goes to my Beta reader. She knows who she is! ;) So, sit back, relax and enjoy.

**Int. County General Hospital.**

As Sam walked trough triage, a cup of coffee in her hand, she struggled to open the door. She was soaking wet, her hair still in curls but dripping with rain and a few stuck to her face. It was pouring it down outside, and it was rather dark for September. She knocked on the door, waiting for someone to come and let her in. Luka looked up from the paper work he was doing at admit and saw her. Part of him wanted to walk away, pretend he hadn't seen her, so he didn't have to talk to her, pretend like everything was fine. But he couldn't; he knew that he couldn't. He wasn't like that. He got up and walked around the desk, slowly walking up to the door and pushing the button, the doors slid open and Sam smiled.

"Thanks, I thought this coffee was gonna burn my hand off any minute,"

He smiled weakly and turned to walk back to triage, Sam followed. He sat back down as she placed the cup of coffee on the desk. She pulled off her coat and bag and as she walked round the desk she got to beside Luka's chair and Luka not noticing her coming round, pushed out his chair to go over to a drawer and accidentally pushed into her knocking her sideways. He just managed to grab her arm before she fell, pulling her back up.

"Whoa. Um, thanks," she smiled shocked.

"No problem," he replied, there was a long pause as they both stared into each others eyes.

"Erm, can I, have my arm back?" she asked. He didn't even realise he still had a hold of it til he looked down. He quickly let go and shuffled uncomfortably looking down.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

Sensing his awkwardness, Sam smiled and made her tone playful. "It's fine, honestly. You saved me back there; guess you were just checking that I could stand up straight before you let go ..."

"Yeah," he continued to burn a hole in the floor.

"Well I, uh, better, get to work," she replied a little embarrassed.

"Yeah," he replied. She walked round his chair and shoved her coat and bag underneath a clear part of the desk. She walked out the opposite side and picked up a chart. Why had that little conversation been so uncomfortable?

Luka watched her walk down the hall and disappear into an exam room. Turning back to face the pile of paperwork, he noticed the coffee still standing on the desk.

Then at that moment Susan walked up to him.

"Hey Luka, how you doing?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he stated with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Ok. Well, we're trying out a new scheme today. Nurses with doctors; we hope it will reduce the long waiting times for the patients _and_ the confusion among the staff. You're paired with Sam, thought you guys might like that," she replied sensing his annoyance.

"What? Me with Sam?" he asked. This was the last thing he needed, or wanted.

"Yeah. Thought you'd like it. Ok great, seeya later," she turned around raising her eyebrows as she walked off.

Great. Just great. After the awkwardness of that first meeting this morning he had to work with her all day. How awkward was that gonna be? _Maybe if I swap with Ray or someone, say I need to get some paperwork done and I need someone older like Haleh to keep track on everything while I work._ He thought. _No, that wouldn't work, I'm just gonna have to do it. Wouldn't be that hard, would it? I mean I can just examine the patient, write down the orders and leave her to it._

He got up from his chair and walked round the desk; he picked up a patients chart and looked at it. He made to head for the cubicle Sam went into but turned around again. He stopped for a moment, and then saw the coffee on the desk. He went over to it and picked it up. He started walking down the hall to the cubicle. He walked in and saw Sam talking to an elderly patient.

"You left your coffee,"

She turned around and saw him holding out the coffee. "Oh, thanks. Ok, I'll get onto it. See you later Mrs Forester." the old lady nodded her head as Sam walked around the bed and out onto the corridor after Luka.

"I've got a patient in 2 I need to examine,"

"Oh. Ok. Want some help?"

"Well...yeah," he replied.

He walked back down the hall to admit. It was her turn to stare after him with a longing look.

The day crawled on and it was soon Lunch. Luka was still at Admit, and had two piles of paper work, one clearly higher than the other.

Sam came out of a block of cubicles and ran into Susan.

"Oh hey, how's the pairing going? I thought you guys might like it. Rather than not seeing each other all day," Susan asked. Sam looked at her confused.

"What? Pairing? What do you mean?" she asked.

"You and Luka. We're pairing the docs with the nurses today, try to cut down waiting hours and confusion. He didn't tell you?"

"No. I just thought it was an ordinary day. Except the weather,"

"No, it's a new rota we're trying out, seeing if it works, if it doesn't then we're back to the old ways. It's scheduled so that the docs spend at least 6 hours with their assigned nurse so that correct treatment can be discussed and reviewed. Hmm, it's odd he didn't tell you, I thought that'd be the first thing he said after 'I love you'," she said.

Sam shifted uncomfortably at the last phrase. "Um, yeah he didn't mention it. I'll go find him I just got his labs back," she walked off irritably not looking at Susan before she could say anything. Susan looked confused then shook it off and walked off down the hall.

Sam came to Luka in the Lounge infuriated at Luka for not telling her the rota for that day, infuriated at him for blatantly ignoring her when he knew full well that he was supposed to be actually **talking** to her. She slammed the door open and caught it as it flew back towards her and slammed it shut. Luka looked up.

"Why didn't you tell me!" she yelled, furious.

"What?" Luka replied, putting down his coffee.

"About the rota today? Me working with you. Susan just told me. We're supposed to see patients together, decide on tests, push the meds **together**. We're supposed to be together at least 6 hours during this shift,"

"I'm sorry," Luka knew he'd done wrong and he knew the results would be another argument.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she pushed. Her hand was firmly on her left hip. Luka stood up to face her, shuffling his feet restlessly.

"I don't know. Maybe to avoid...awkwardness," he finally looked at her.

For a moment, Sam couldn't think of anything to say. "Why would there be any awkwardness?"

"Come on Sam. We both know why there would be,"

"Yeah but does it have to stop us from working together?"

"I...don't know. It's hardly easy,"

She sighed and looked down. "I never wanted this Luka. Believe me I didn't,"

"Well then why are we here? Why are we doing this? What's going on Sam?" he said more forcefully.

She relaxed her arm and stared at the floor. "I don't know. I don't know anymore..." she looked wounded as Luka watched her. He could tell she was hurting inside, just as much as he was. He longed to go over to her, to embrace her, to pull him towards him, comfort her and make her feel alright. But he knew that wouldn't be possible.

"Maybe, I should tell Susan we'd prefer to work separately today,"

"What? Why?" she looked surprised.

"Because, it's clearly not working. It'd be for the best. For the patients,"

She was speechless; he used the exact same phrase she'd used on him the previous weeks before. She now knew what it felt like to hear those words. How piercing it was to hear 'clearly not working' how demeaning it was to be told something like that. She didn't argue, it was the last thing she wanted. She knew how upset she'd made him after telling him those words the weeks before. She didn't want to make things worse. This was the second time she'd hurt him by something she had said to him, not meaning to in any way but actually causing more damage than she anticipated by trying to do something 'for the best'. She licked her lips and looked up into his smouldering hazel eyes, almost succumbing to their desire, but just managing at the last second to regain her bearing. She tilted her head and closed her eyes, nodding her head slightly. As she opened her eyes he continued his gaze, the longing in his eyes shattered in front of her.

"Ok. Fine," she swallowed hard. He nodded, and broke the gaze, walking around her and getting to the lounge door, he paused for a moment, and then grabbed the handle pulling it open carefully and stepping out onto the corridor.

For a moment Sam couldn't move, her feet seemed rooted to the floor. Biting her bottom lip she closed her eyes, opening them only when they stung so badly that she **had** to open them, to free the tear that was welling up inside of her. Another tear followed, and Sam quickly wiped it away. Forcing her feet to move, she went to the coffee machine. A cup of coffee would take her mind off things. **As if.**

Luka walked up to Susan at admit who was talking to Ray about a patient. He waited patiently until Ray had finished.

"Oh, Dr Kovac, I have your Labs back on the allergy guy in 2," Ray handed his the clipboard.

"Oh, thanks Ray," Ray nodded and walked off.

"So...what's going on? Why was Sam oblivious to today's rota?"

"I dunno. She's oblivious to a lot of things at the moment,"

"Luka..." Susan said watchfully.

Luka sighed, clearly exasperated. "We both work in different ways; we're better off going back to the old rota. So we've decided we're gonna work separately today. I'm sorry,"

"Ok. Look what's going on with you guys? You seem very...distant. It's not like you two. You had another fight?" she asked warily.

Luka looked up at her. "No. We haven't had another fight. We just prefer to work our separate ways," he replied with an air of aggravation in his voice for Susan to even imply that they had 'had another fight'.

"Ok, well, there's a little boy in 5, broke his finger," she sighed.

"Thanks, he's been admitted?" he replied as he took the clipboard out of her hand.

"Yeah, family problems," the uncomfortable phrase that came from her lips which seemed to fit his situation also, really rubbed salt in the wounds, he walked off to see his patient.

Sam came out of the lounge, looking even more tired than before. She rubbed her left eye and walked up to admit.

"Hey, you ok?" Susan asked.

"What? Oh yeah. I'm fine,"

"Look, if you want to go early, to pick up Alex, feel free. It's a lagoon out there. Traffic's gonna be hell,"

"You sure?" Sam asked hesitant.

"Yeah, I know what it's like to get home so late you can't have a proper talk with your son. Except I'm sure you have a better conversation with Alex than I do with Cosmo,"

"Yeah. Ok thanks. I'll get off at say 5?" she smiled.

"Sure. Just let me know when you're off,"

"Ok. Will do." she picked up a chart and walked off.


	2. And Back Again

**Author:** Please R&R! I don't own any characters (although i wish i did :p) but I do however, own this story. So don't be a thief. Enjoy...

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**And Back Again**

Later on it was getting darker than usual outside. Luka was in a cubicle treating the small boy from earlier, handing him some tablets to take.

"They should clear the pain up, ok? We'll keep you in over night for observations and you should be allowed home in the morning,"

"Ok thank you," the little boy replied.

"It's ok. Erm, Paul, do you know where your father is?" Luka asks, looking concerned.

"He went out to get a burger,"

"Oh, ok, when he comes back have a nurse come and find me ok?" Luka told him standing up.

As he turned to walk toward the door Sam entered. They exchanged another difficult stare as Luka pursed his lips in his trademark way. They stood in front of each other for a second, before Luka stepped back and made to move around her. She looked down and wished so hard that she could hold out her arm to stop him. He continued to walk out of the room and up to admit.

He slammed down his charts and sat down. Ray looked up and raised his eyebrows. Susan looked over and walked over to him.

"You ok?"

"Just fine,"

"Ok. But if you don't mind me saying, you've been in a pissy mood all day. And, you look like crap. So go home," she said matter-of-factly tilting her head to one side.

"Thanks for your enthusiasm,"

"Not a problem. It's what I'm here for. Now get you coat and leave. Get some sleep,"

He looked up at Susan, wanting it be annoyed with her but couldn't. "Ok, thank you,"

"As always," he got up and headed for the lounge. Ray watching after him.

"What rattled his Croatian cage?" Ray said dryly.

"Don't ask. This weather does funny things to men,"

"Ahem. I seem to be fine,"

Neela walked up to the admit desk, hearing Ray, wringing wet.

"Yeah, if you count lining up the shower gel, alphabetising the tinned food cupboard, and labelling the contents of the fridge this morning,"

"Hey, I got up early, I was bored,"

"Mmm hmm. Sure. Whatever rests your conscience,"

Ray opened his mouth then closed it, astounded. "Any other home truths you'd like to share with me?"

"Errrmm, no, except the kitchen ceilings leaking, there's a bowl underneath it, don't know how long it'll last though,"

"Great. Guess I won't be sleeping tonight,"

"Oh don't be such a girl. Get some ear plugs!" Susan dipped in smiling.

Neela pulled off her coat and shoved it under the desk. Sam walked up to admit, her mind racing with inane things.

"Hey," Neela said smiling.

"Wh-what?" Sam replied realising she was being spoken to.

"I just said hello,"

"Oh right, hi. Sorry I've just got, a lot of things happening at the minute,"

"Really? Anything you'd like to throw into the domestic hell hole?" Neela asked derisively.

"Oh, I have plenty, but not enough time to go through them all," Sam half-laughed, stopping only to yawn.

"Hey, you get off. It's past 5," Susan said instructing her.

"Are you sure? We're pretty hit on tonight,"

"I'm positive. Now go, before I get security to throw you out," she said.

"Ok, ok, I'm going, I'm going. Thanks," she replied walking round the desk.

"Sure," Susan replied, as Sam pulled out her coat and bag from the shelf below Neela's.

"Is it still like the Day After Tomorrow out there!" Sam asked jokingly.

"Oh yeah, be expecting a wave of water anytime soon. It's really bad out there be careful," Neela replied, joking at first but then pushing across the seriousness of the weather.

Sam laughed. "Ok, I will. Seeya later,"

"Ok bye," Susan replied.

"Seeya," Neela followed.

"Bye," Ray chipped in just as Sam walked through the doors. Luka came out of the lounge and up to triage.

"Ok I'm off,"

"Ok seeya," Ray replied.

"Bye..." Susan said.

"Oh, bye Dr Kovac," it was Neela's turn to chip in at the last minute this time.

"Reckon there's trouble in paradise? Perhaps this weather?" Ray asked light-heartedly.

"What?" Susan asked turning to glare at him with a smile on her face.

"Well, I mean, they've left separately, they've been avoiding each other all day...can only mean one thing right? I mean you said it yourself he was in a pissy mood all day," Ray replied enlighteningly.

"Ray. That is absurd. Sam and Luka are...well Sam and Luka. They're perfect for each other. They probably just had another fight or something and it's taking 'em a while to kiss and make-up," Susan replied straightforward.

"Hmmmmm, and I'm guessing it's gonna be one hell of a make-up session when they sort it out..." Ray said absent-mindedly.

Susan and Neela looked at each other dazed by what had just flowed from Ray's lips.

"RAY!" both half-yelling at him.

"What? Come on! It's obvious they had a fight. They've been off with each other all day, and they left separately. Thy usually wait for each other to go home together, even when they've had a row. This might be something more severe," he replied unaware of the point they were trying to make.

"Maybe. But they'd never leave it this long surely. And anyway **you** shouldn't be discussing the attending's love lives. Now get back to work," Susan said firmly.

"Ok, ok, I'm going!" Ray said laughing walking round the desk and walking down the hall. Neela watched and shook her head.

"Ok, so what have you got for me?" Neela asked Susan getting back on task.

"Do you really think it's more serious this time? I mean it's Sam and Luka, they can't have broken up. Can they?" Susan asked Neela distractedly, surprising Neela by going back to the old topic of conversation which she had just scolded Ray for talking about, openly contradicting herself.

"Errmm, I don't know Dr Lewis. They argue all the time, I'm sure they'll be back together soon," Neela replied tentatively.

"So you think they have split-up," Susan quizzed Neela, who was obviously getting nervous about the situation she was being put in.

"N-no. I don't... Erm Dr Lewis, am I going to do any work today?" she asked hesitantly.

Susan looked at her for a second then registered what she had said. "Oh. Oh yeah, sorry Neela. Broken finger in 6," she replied. Neela takes the chart out of her hands and turns around; widening her eyes at the odd conversation she had just been involved in. She suddenly realised what patient Susan asked her to check on and became confused. She span back round to face Susan.

"Broken **finger**? Why is he admitted?" she asked.

"Oh, Luka bandaged it up and the dad took off, he hasn't been back since, social work has been down, but still no sign of the father, we're trying to get in touch with the mother but the line's been disconnected, so it's a real mystery there," Susan replied looking rather annoyed at the young boy's situation.

"Oh, ok, well I'll go see how he's doing," Neela said turning round walking off down the hall.

**Int. County General Hospital. Cubicle.**

"Hey Paul how are you feeling?" Neela asked the small boy from earlier, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Ok, but my finger really hurts though,"

"It is? Ok, let me have a look," Neela said smiling. Paul smiles back. She took his finger and examined it. "Ok, there doesn't seem to be any trapped nerves but I'll get you some more pain meds ok?" Neela smiles comfortingly. Paul looks at her, trusting her judgement. He nodded and smiled.

"I'll go get you some medicine," she replied, getting up from the bed and walking off.

**Int. County General Hospital. Admit.**

"This really isn't right. Where the heck is everybody?" Neela asked looking around.

"They're all skiving. Cos of the weather, they don't have to come in," Ray answered staring at the computer screen as Neela approached.

"Well why did we have to come in?" she asked.

"Cos we have the word 'MUG' written across our foreheads. Oh and we live nearer to the hospital," he replied.

"Right," Neela replied walking around him and sitting down in the chair next to him. "I can't believe how dark it is. It feels like a night shift,"

"I know, it's only what? September?" Ray replied looking up.

"Yeah. It'll be Freak Night in no time though," Neela replied her hand supporting her head up.

"Oh yeahhhh. I love Freak night," Ray replied.

"Seriously?" Neela asked turning her head toward him.

"Yeah. C'mon, people beating other people up because they nicked their candy, people thinking they're werewolves and other demonic beings. How much more fun can you have?" he asked a touch sarcastically.

"Hmmm, yeah can't disagree with you there Ray," Neela replied rolling her eyes.

"Ah c'mon Neela, live a little," he replied going back to the computer, just as Susan approaches.

"No patients?" Susan asked Ray and a tired Neela.

"No, none. Only the tramp in the waiting room who keeps shouting in his sleep," Neela mumbled, her head now on her folded arms on the desk.

"Ok, well you two can leave early, say in about an hour?" Susan said wiping something off the board.

"Really? Cheers," Ray said looking up.

"Yeah, it's fine. God I can't remember the last time I was so deserted like this," Susan said walking to the desk and leaning on it with her elbows.

"Neither can I. Probably cos it never has been while I've been here," Neela said.

"Yeah, we used to have days like these all the time when I was an R2," Susan said.

"Yeah, rub it in why don't you," Ray said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Oh I love to. Ok go, it's fine, there's no-one here, I guess we'll just get a few stragglers in later," Susan said.

"Really?" Neela said lifting her head up.

"Yeah, there's nothing to do, unless you want to clean the floors,"

"No, thanks, I think I'll pass," Ray said getting up.

"Thanks Susan," Neela said walking round the admit desk.

"Yeah thanks," Ray mumbled through a yawn.

"No problem, see you tomorrow," she said as they walked off to the lounge. Ray barged into Neela purposely knocking her to the wall; she laughed and ran after him pushing him into the opposite wall. He threw up his arms and knocked into the wall, he laughed as Neela ran into the Lounge. He called after her "Right you're in for it now!" before running into the Lounge.

Susan watches them smiling. "Kids," she shakes her head and walks off.

**Int. County General Hospital. Lounge.**

"So, what are you doing this evening?" Ray asks whilst searching in his locker.

"Errm, meeting Orlando Bloom at Ike's then going back to a fancy hotel and having the best sleepless night I've had in ages. Why?" she replies joking, sticking her head from round her locker door. Ray slammed his shut and turned to look at her. He had an unamused expression on his face, as Neela burst into laughter.

"OK, ok, I'm gonna go home take a shower sit down and fight with you over the remote. That sound good to you?" she enquired smiling.

"Sounds fine to me, come on roomie let's get home," he replies walking up to her putting his arm around her and leading her out of the door. As he put his arm around her back, he sticks a post it note on her, reading 'Kick Me I'm a Doctor'.

She looked up at him slightly confused as to what he'd just done to her. As she looks back down seeing where she's walking, he broke out into a smile and turned his face away from her so she couldn't see his expression.


	3. The Zip

**Author: **This is the third Chapter. Now up as you can see. **Please** R&R, I'd love to know your thoughts. Many thanks to my Beta Reader. ;-)  
I don't own any of the characters etc, just the story. So don't steal. :-)

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**The Zip**

The rain was really pouring down now. She couldn't believe Alex. He just left her a note, which she found when she got home. 'Going to Josh's. No school tomorrow, boiler broke down. See you in the morning. Alex xxx' _He could have at least phoned me at work. I could have done overtime._

Sam felt a huge drop go directly down her back. _Great. Stupid friggin' coat._ She was trying her hardest to keep the rain from soaking her clothes inside her coat, but she couldn't keep her hands in her pockets and hold the coat closed at the same time. The zip had chosen one hell of a day to stop working. The teeth had been worn out so much that it no longer kept together. She loved this coat. She'd had this coat for years. It was her much-loved denim one, with the fur around the hood. This was the coat Luka had so carefully tugged off her on their first night together.

The coat mirrored their relationship; perfect and loved, but too worn out too work any more.. _Well then, maybe we need a new zip._ Sam thought. Absurd as it sounded it was the logical solution. _But what is the zip?_ Now that was the question. A zip. What in the name of the universe could a zip represent in a relationship. _Wait_, she thought. _A zip, keeps the coat together. So... we need to find something that keeps a relationship together and we need to renew it. But what the hell is it? What keeps a relationship together? Love? Security? A Family? Communication? Sex? _She'd hit a rock wall. What was the key thing that kept a relationship together? Love? They definitely had that. Security? Luka's apartment was secure. Family? Alex and Luka were her family now, she and Alex were Luka's family. Communication? Well they were working on that one Sex? now they certainly had enough of that. Sam smiled as she ticked each one off in her head, smiling at the thought of the latter comment about their love life. Their love life was certainly colourful, more exhilarating than anything she'd ever experienced in her life. He seemed to just know what she was thinking, how to please her. Mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, he was like her angel, sent to her. Sent to reawaken her faith in life. After everything she'd been through...hell she deserved some happiness. Only she was too scared to accept it, too scared to succumb to the heights of bliss. So she ran. When her past finally caught up with her as **he** always did, she did the only thing she knew. She ran. _I have to; I can't let him drag us down anymore. I won't let him do that me._ Leaving behind her angel, the bliss and tranquillity of a normal life. Telling herself, that this is what she does, and sometimes there's a little 'collateral damage' along the way. But who did this collateral damage belong to? Him? Her? Alex? What she didn't realise was that he wasn't only HER angel, she was his too. She was the one person who reawakened HIS faith in life, the only one who gave him back the zest for love, lust and everything that went with it. She hadn't known that before; not until he had come after her, brought her back to Chicago, fought for her. How long had she been running? Hiding under the tables so the monsters wouldn't find her. Could she ever stop running, stop hiding? Could she change the way she'd been living her entire life?

As she walked down the cold Wintery Chicago street, she looked up. She could see nothing but clouds. _Great. I can't even look to the stars for guidance. Thank you very much._ She didn't know where she was going. Her feet seemed to be leading the way, or more like it; her heart. Seen as though Alex was at a sleepover. Maybe this was the time to sort everything out. She couldn't go on like this. The silent stares, awkward silences whilst treating a patient, him avoiding her all day. She couldn't work like this.

She turned the corner into the wide alleyway which held the door to his apartment, and the others on the opposite side. She walked up to his door apprehensively, still fighting within herself as to whether she should go up. She stood there for a good few minutes. Closing her eyes and opening them again. _What am I doing here? Is this going to sort **anything** out? Why can't it all just go away...?_ That the rain would melt her down into nothing, pull out all the negative feelings she'd harboured for the past few weeks. There was no denying it. She was drenched through. The rain had somehow defeated her coat and had managed to soak her clothes too. But she didn't care. _Screw the damn coat. It was useless at keeping my dry anyway._

She was determined to leave, hoping that everything would blow over, but her feet wouldn't move from the spot.Why should this time be any different? She'd done it so many times before; run further than she would tonight. She'd left cities, states ... lives behind. Why couldn't she do it now? Just turn around and leave; go home. Not to start over again, but to get on with her life. Go home to her two new friends; Ben and Jerry.

But she could not just forget all the feelings that bubbled inside her. She thought she was pregnant, all those weeks ago. But she wasn't. Did she wish she was? She didn't know. She didn't know whether she'd be ready to have another child, whether she could cope. She was half glad she wasn't pregnant. The relief that had spread through her body when she saw the test come out as Negative. That was what she was hoping for. She half knew already, that she wasn't, it was just a precaution, to make sure, to rest her mind. But the look on Luka's face when she told him and the therapist that she 'thought she was pregnant' was heart-breaking. His eyes losing their sparkle they held, filling up with tears. She hated seeing him like that, but she had to get that out. She couldn't not say it. Just let him think she was fine. But there was also the niggling thought in the back of her mind that she **did** want the baby, that part of her that was subconsciously wishing for her to be holding a baby inside her. The part that always mattered. The part that she never listened to. The part she ignored and shoved to the back of her mind. **Her heart.**

She knew full well that she would be overwhelmed to be pregnant, that she would take it in her stride and be proud. But her head told her no. Told her that it would be a bad idea, that her and Luka were going through too many problems to deal with something like this now. _Something like this? What's that supposed to mean? Something like bringing up a child?_ Her head always ruled her heart. That was how it had always been with her. When she had settled into a city and began to like it, she uprooted everything because her head told her to. She never listened to her heart. Like the time she ran away from Chicago, her head was in charge then, not her heart, as much as it screamed at her she wouldn't listen to it. _Although I should have._ She did the only thing she knew how to and she ran. But this time someone outsmarted her. The one person she thought she couldn't trust, as much as she wanted to, but she couldn't, because there would be too much 'Collateral Damage'. But this person was the **one** person who she **could** actually trust. And it was up to him to try to persuade her head to believe him. Her heart believed him 100. But it was her head who ruled.

He tried and succeeded to persuade her head to follow him back to Chicago. Her heart won that battle. But the war raged on. Her heat was slowly overpowering her head, letting her true feelings be felt. Like the time Steve made his appearance again. She told Luka she wasn't going to run away, especially not this time. That it was **her** problem. She was wrong again. He reassured her that he thought it was **their** problem. After all they were together then. Unlike the present moment. How could she let things get hat far? Why did she? She guessed her head won that battle.

The defining moment it started came when she read her first ever pregnancy test 10 years ago; when she found out she was pregnant with Alex. Her heart ultimately won that battle. Her head told her to abort him, her heart told her no, she should keep him. But her head came so close to winning. So close. She went to the Clinic twice. Both times failing to go through with what her head wanted her to commit. But after that she vowed to herself to make every next decision with a logical reason behind it, to use her head. And there were few times when she disobeyed this vow. But recently this vow had been abolished, her heart was the ruler. And that was how she liked it. She no longer had to hide it, conceal it, make it a secret. Hide in her room hoping it would go away, along with a fresh bruise. Those were the times she wished her heart could batter her head to a pulp. After all it was being done physically, but not by her heart. Now however, she was free to feel every emotion she wished to. And she had someone to share it all with her. Someone who had been through the exact same torment of watching, feeling their heart being battered by their logic, she had someone she loved to share it all with her. But because of the past weeks she could no longer do that. _Damn it. Why do I let that happen?_ This wasn't how she liked it, wasn't how she wanted it...at all. But it was the way it was. And as much as her heart pined, she had to deal with it, for Alex's sake. As much as it hurt her so badly to look at him, hear his voice, smell his scent across the lounge, as much as she loved him so badly it hurt, she had to deal with it. She'd dealt with things before, why was this any different? Why was her heart being torn every passing day?


End file.
